40 For 40
Forty Things I Have Learned In My Forty Years
1) If there is a possibility of it being poop, treat it as poop.
2) Popsicles are the magical tool of parenting. Not only can they be used as an ice pack, they can transform a screaming toddler into a quiet one.
3) Take pictures but not too many. If you become obsessed with documenting every moment you don’t get to enjoy the moment.
4) You are your child’s parent not his friend. He has lots of friends but only one mom and one dad. Don’t take that away from him because of your need to be liked.
5) Ignore the zealots. If some psycho refers to baby formula as poison ignore her, block her, run as far away from her as possible. She will suck the life out of you.
6) Stay away from childless pediatricians.
7) Keep a change of clothes, including shoes, for every family member in the van.
8) The best gift you can give yourself when bringing home a baby is a housekeeper.
9) Children grow up, let them.
10) Spongebob may not make your kids smarter but he can make your life easier.
11) Spouses are forever and children leave, not the other way around.
12) Frequent physical affection is necessary for a happy marriage.
13) It’s better to go to bed angry and discuss a situation in the morning when you can make sense.
14) Don’t keep secrets unless it’s the good kind.
15) Don’t try to change your spouse. Learn how to make things work with him the way he is.
16) Every couple needs a TV show they watch together religiously. Might I suggest Dr. Who.
17) Marry an adult. If he plays video games for several hours a day, he’s a child.
18) Work out a budget together allowing both spouses some fun money.
19) Date nights at home are not date nights. You need to go out for it to be a date.
20) If marriage seems like work, you’re doing it wrong.
21) Be nice to your mother-in-law. If nothing else, she raised a son you found worthy of marrying.
22) Don’t keep secrets from your doctor.
23) It’s okay to judge people. I judge a homicidal maniac as unworthy of being my babysitter. Just don’t judge a person’s salvation, that’s God’s job.
24) Success means different things to different people.
25) Life is too short to not eat cake.
26) Your life will be short if you eat too much cake.
27) You can’t go wrong with nude colored underwear.
28) Always have baby wipes.
29) If you don’t trust your doctor, get a new one.
30) People who have all the toys usually have massive debt.
31) The most important person for you to make proud is yourself.
32) Cooking dinner every night is overrated.
33) Wash wet clothes immediately or you’ll forget them and have a moldy mess.
34) There is no saving a burned dinner.
35) There is no shame in ordering pizza. See #34
36) People only show up unexpectedly if you haven’t had time to clean.
37) You will never have a spotless house if you have kids and dogs but you will be happier.
38) Planting flowers only makes your house look nicer if you remember to water them.
39) Meal planning is only a great idea when you follow your meal plan.
40) There is always room in your house if there is room in your heart.